so i’m sure i’ve said it before: nothing is easy. i’ve not been here for two weeks and already i’m having shit hit fans...and surprisingly, it’s nothing personal or in my head. it’s occupational and nothing i’ve created (which in some ways is a relief, but in the same breath... not at all). i’ve already gone through so much bull shit to get here and now, after all that, i have to go through more.
the au pair i’m replacing of the family i was originally intended to move in with in early november... well she wants to stay longer. and my current family is super happy with that. and the other family is happy with that as well because they won’t have to train someone new. and kim (au pair) is happy as well. thats three against one...
but they really don’t have a clue what is coming. for the first time in a long time... i have nothing to lose and i recognize that. i also recognize that i’m far too young and have put up with far far far too much bullshit in the past 18 years, that now, when all decisions are in my own hands... i’m going to back down and walk away and do what i’m asked. it’s one thing to ask me to do the ironing. it’s another to fuck with my job and m future and a mentally unsound girl’s increased mental unsoundness.
i enjoy the family as a whole. with each day i’m loving the little boy more and more and i LOVE the dad. but at the end of the day, i know i can’t be here (with current family) much longer than i agreed. it’s not the fit i knew i’d have. it’s not the job i applied for. it’s not the job i accepted. as much as i love the situation (ish.) and the house. and the car. and the countryside. and the garden... i applied for a family with a father who loves foot ball and red wine. an insane, control freak mother. and three sassy, brunette and soon to be ‘get it grrl’s.
i know everything i’m going to say when they sit me down next week. it’s all i think about. and i know i might be a little bit fucked, and that’s why i already have 2 back up plans. (for serious.) ive already reactived my nanny account and have applied with a couple families. and i might just take a month or two off, as a counter offer to the 5 months i know they’re about to ask me for, and move somewhere where i know someone (switzerland or the uk) and work for a little while... or just be a bum....
they don’t know that i know that this is what we are going to talk about. they also don’t know how quickly i’ve taken this into my hands. i’m actually really proud of myself. seriously.
anyways --- you’ll be hearing the out come.
on a completely seperate note---
ive written so many post cards and letters, but i dont get paid for another week... and it costs about 3.50 usd to send a post card... so you’ll have to wait. i apologize. haha.
in the mean time, e-mail me your address and you never know if i might get to you sooner or later. seriously. it’s my favorite. so just let me know.
---
went out saturday night for the first time in ulm. we (my self and the linder's au pair, kim) were the only people wearing color. myself in green and her in pink. the bar was dark and sexy and mysterious. it was raining outside and i looked so different from everyone there in my frilly, tan trenchcoat and my mom's supppah 70’s kelly-green dress. i felt so silly and as if it was all a movie. i was the only one dancing, besides the dj. who was clearing dj-ing primarily for us because we were obviously the only people there visibly digging his early 90's alternative jams and me swooning over anything he played from the 60's (kim felt otherwise). and if anyone else was enjoying it, you couldnt tell. they were too cool. and the bar tender bitched to us about how he hated the fact that they didnt dance. (it turns into a night club after 11 or 12.) so he bought us a round because i was dancing. it was so weird. and i just laughed at myself the entire time. and the music...oh! the music.
i do have the give the other patrons some credit, when a song came on they all knew and loved they would smile and shout the lyrics for a verse or two. but the dj and bar tender were still bored with their (the patrons) lack of enthusiasm.
the dj's equipment was so delicious. and that's all i can say. it looked like something out of the mid 70's, but it can't be due to it's ability to play compact disks. it was so beat up and big and bulky and brown. and all of his cd's. and no stupid fucking ipod. no fucking computer. i loved it.
we were bothered by 2 different men. one 57 divorcee with a daughter 2 years my senior. and the other, 47 and looking for a wife who is nice and smiley. and i don't understand. i'm 18. kim is 24. everything is stupid. the 47 year old really didnt get it. kim was doing most of the talking beause she speaks german. and i was trying to find out from the dj where was a good place to go dancing with good music, but he said everywhere in the area just played techno, etc. all the while, this 47 year old man (goodlooking, but no thanks mr. you have lived almost 3 of my life times.) was explaining to kim how we would love if we could get a friend of ours to go out with him. young and smiley... whatever. it wasn’t a highlight.
over all i really loved ulm from what i saw. there is a church their with the tallest steeple in the world, i’m going to “climb” it soon. so excited. it looks so beautiful.
i’m so excited to keep exxxploorriinn’. and dancin’ and keepin’ it teal.
---
things i’m diggin’:
*german red wine. cheap and lovely.
*people watching. (things i’d love anywhere.)
*my mommmmm.
*supertramp on the radio. (i’m at the cutest bar evvvahhh right now. very german. tree branch covered. im outdoors. dimmly lit. it’s 9:45 pm. a bit chilly. 80% pretty people. 10% cute families. grandmaz. 6 year old grand boyz. 9% whateverrrrr, plz. 1% tg.)
*radio stations play really terrible hits from the 90's. (by terrible i mean FANTASTIC.)
*finding the mom's (emma’s) cd collection: every celine dion track ever laid down, j-lo j-lo j-lo, various other late 90's female pop one-hit-wonders and their follow up albums....and, to my surprise, rocky horror picture show.
things i can’t decide:
*how well dressed 14 year old boys are. damn...
*how attractive 30 year old men are. (wait, story of my life.)
things i’m not lovin’:
*self-conscious, city. maybe it’s the language gap?
*humidity.
*constantly asking to borrow scotch tape and not getting it.
*having to buy my own tofu...wtf?
*am i pretty enough? am i pretty enough? am i pretty enough?!?!!
*SO ESSPENSIVE,
*stfu lilly allen on the radio, i get it!!! OK?!
things i’m wanting:
*pretty things that smell good.
*pretty things to put on my wall.
i wrote all this at the cafe/bar i mentioned. however, i got sooo lost on the way home. raymond (the papa) had to come get me and i followed him home.
slut down.
-tg
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2 comments:
something forthcoming in the post. there is so much here to talk about. all i can offer at the moment, which is something i have thought about a lot myself lately, is what john ashbery says:
"perhaps we ought to feel with more imagination."
we are at such liberty!
and to give a quick and public answer to one question, however: yes. yes. yes. if you were any prettier, it would hurt to look at you. <3
Ohh I love you. I hope you and Jillian can call me this weekend. I'm so sad that I'm not there with you guys, I've been thinking about it all day!
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