i don't think i should write about this. in truth, i can't stand even thinking about it. the words won't come out correctly, as they never do... but i don't have it in me to call anyone and have a real conversation about this.

a friend of mine died in the 8th grade. at the time, and in each year passing since, i've never thought over how i would feel about it the next day, let alone now. i often thought about how awful graduation was going to be, how i would not hear his fucking name. but i never thought about anything having to do with how i would feel after that point. i just assumed i would have learned to cope with it by then.

well i haven't learned. and it's not any easier. and maybe it's just a world of woe. and more than anything, i'm thinking not only on him but on my friends who have lost people as well.

i started hyperventilating and crying and almost choking on my gasps yesterday because i couldn't remember his voice. i can't. i can't remember it. i remember his demeanor. the way he smelled. the things he would say. i can see his lips moving, but hear nothing. i don't know what happened.

am i still grieving? or what is this?

i remember graduating. this time last year. i asked if something could be said in remembrance. a moment of silence... but never received a response and nothing ever happened. i auditioned with an original (and purposefully cheesy) song dedicated to graduation, but also to the honesty of leaving people behind that we shared school and bull shit with, but knowing we will see them again eventually and probably share at least a smile.

this song had a very clear ulterior motive, that being the commemorate wade and others lost. i wanted people to take that moment so badly to reflect for one second. before we played i would have said something.

i didnt get the song. instead two people with karaoke tracks to wicked or something sang.

i don't know what i'm saying. i... just. fuck. i have been through many personal battles. and come out on the other end a bit stronger, or, at least, a bit wiser. but this makes me weak.

i think of my friends who have lost siblings and parents. and i cry. and i cry and cry and cry. i cry now. i feel so much for them, even if i didnt know them. and i dont know what it is.

i know death is inevitable. it is one of the very few things in life that is constant. almost everything else in the emotional world has no answer. no rhyme or reason.

but, people are born and people die. it is a fact. and for some reason, it is sometimes easier for me to deal with the most unanswerable questions about situations i've dealt with than to cope with death.

i have to stop.

but i can't remember his voice. and the fact is excruciating.

the world is really funny. learning that can be so wonderful and so terrible.

so this is growing up...

t.