conviction.

its been a downward spiral. i can't offer much of anything. except a long long list of "what not to do".

i can't say im not happy the year is ending. and i know it doesnt really mean anything, the year ending, that is.

but anything can mean something if you want it to.

and i want it to.

i want this year ending to mean i'm getting off the depressing fucking water slide that won't quit. down and down and down.

if you could see inside of me you wouldn't recognize me. i don't recognize me. i've been completely beat up and thrown around and had my lunch money shaken from my pockets. over and over and over.

down and down and down.

all that is left of me is the shit ive been throwing up as my personality for the past 19 years. the sass and the jokes and the entertainment and the crazy.

it's all still there, so don't worry. i'm still as charming and charismatic as ever. i'll still make scenes at your parties and your dinners full of entertaining rhetoric. please, please. don't worry at all.

however, inwardly i've become something so unrecognizable and so foriegn; i've become unable to comprehend my native tongue. my rhythm is gone and been replaced with some kind of muffled drone. it's dark here.

it is dark here.

i'm not ashamed to admit that the past 4 months have been excruciating. nails clawing. soul puncturing.

i have a lot of laundry to do. in every tract of my life. in every junction of my mind.

i keep surprising myself with how much trust i've placed in all the wrong people. with all the feelings and thoughts spoken into capricious ears. remiss minds.

i'm making a resolution to trust myself. and to make myself worthy of such trust.

because i've never sincerely trusted myself. ever. in my entire life.

-tg