well. it's certainly been exhausting lately.

it: living. whatever.

i'm tired today. it's caught up to me.

i moved out of marco's place last week. i have my own room now. and a lovely roommate named piet.

i'm still in language school on the daily. and have started a job or two. one at a bar in berlin's tourist center and, perhaps consequently, red light district. the other in small, yet highly trafficked, cafe in a district near where i live.

i've been meeting a steady flow of new people. i've been making a steady flow of mistakes. and drinking a steady flow of wine and beer.

the issues in my life have become highlighted in the past months. to myself and to those around me. but, i'll tell you something. it's not all bad.

i have a lot more laid out in front of me than ever before, and at first it was difficult to look. i held my face in my hands, shielding myself from the view quickly, but carelessly.

but i'm of the curious, masochistic sort. and it didnt take me long to take one hand away... and then the other.

and to see all of this. bluntly and unannounced. has been almost comforting. there is no way i can explain that.

maybe i was slowly excepting these things in the back of my mind for many years and then when i finally saw them it was as if i had just known it all along.

or, maybe i said that wrong. its more that, these were things ive never liked about myself and hoped one day i'd grow out of them. or someone would fix it for me. or something would happen.

none of those things will happen. and i've ungrudgingly accepted.

maybe there is something to be said for that. maybe not.

i'm not saying these things don't still bother me. or that i all of a sudden like these things about myself.

it's more of... finally getting over a break-up. a bad, big, ugly, scary one. full of tears and sweat and yelling and crying. and it doesnt make sense for so long. and maybe you go back to each other a couple times. prolonging the awful. perpetuating more terrible things to be said or felt. and then one day, you're driving along; you're taking a piss, drinking a tea, talking on the phone. and then, acceptance.

all the terrible shit is still there. and from time to time you fly back to the terrible emotions. but other than that, it's just one more thing that happened. (i'm not trying to be novel or anything here, just making a parallel) and then you don't really dwell on it. but it just floats with you like everything else.

i guess that's where i am. today, at least.

it's not so bad.

t.