familiarization; next of kin.

i ran down to marco's favorite bakery today to purchase a poppy seed roll for my lunch and a 'sweetie' for marco.

[he's a bakeryfuckingjunkie and im a wino and on occasion we fix each other up a shot of our individual vices.]

at any rate, i came back. and gave it to him, and he said OH, SANK YOU! LETS HAVE A COFFEE.

so we sat and lunched and coffee'd and that's when i realized maybe i'm here for this... this weird, new family experience.

i mean, that's one of the main reasons i did the au pair thing, i wanted a family experience.

i love my blood family. but, let's face it... well. nevermind.

the point is, maybe that's what i'm here for. to learn about sacrifice of small things for a greater thing. to push away all my bull shit in my head, to cut out all those ugly personality traits that have ruined my life for so long. weighing the importance of every little thing really blows your mind and this is all very conscious. i'm watching it all happen.

and maybe, in the long run, this will improve my life with my blood family.

allowing me to have a healthier future blood family of my own.

and hopefully, one day, a teal will happen far far far down the way that is free of so many of my both inherited and developed mental shit shits.

(put aside the fact that i believe that human kind will start to be wiped out with in the next 3 to 30 years and the likeliness of me having great grandchildren, let alone a child of my own, is slim-chance city.)

but yes. after our lunching, marco and i excitedly assembled our newly purchased vacuum cleaner and excitedly vacuumed the bed room, which we joked about fighting over who would get to do it. i fight which i lost and had to wait to use it to clean the bath room floor/crevices,floor paneling etc., and continued to scrub and mop.

having this sort of community/shared understanding of responsibility and dependability and mutual understanding of each other and whatever else. and this letting go of bull shit little ticks.

this is what feels life family.

yesterday marco needed help carrying this giant piece/sheet of....??? something for a light installation he's designing/making for his brother's new flat in dresden. (i get to go help install, by the way!) and he asked for help and i realllly didnt want to because i had just showered and the this was kind of dirty and i was carrying my computer (which weighs a fuck ton) in my back pack along with many books and wanted to bike.

anyways, i said of course. and we walked allll the way to some lightsomethingwhatever place with this giant sheet of whatever it was. we looked so funny.

but, i mean, it felt really nice.

after we went for lunch and people watched and giggled.

he had to go another place for wood supplies and i needed to work on my visa paper work and resume, so i went to our coffee shop and he met up with me there.

and it's just! stuff like that.

i dont know.

im really happy to be developing this 'family' with marco and sebastian and whoever else. i can feel it expanding. i'm starting to understand what relationships are about. how they function. what they mean. the sacrifice. and dependability. the selflessness. understanding. the letting go of trivial things.

it's funny when you begin to watch this take place. both inwardly and in the environment it self.

im shrugging and smiling.

my dads:
i had a bunch of things to say.
but.
sigh. whatever, yo.

-tg

edit: i would like to note that immediately after i posted this my mother called me. it's going to take a lot more than living with marco for a few more months to fix that giant pile of blood family fuck.

uh, and just when i was feeling the warm glow of pseudo-optimism.