on things habitual. things not. and things becoming so.

today is a day to sit and watch episodes of american television on the internet. marco has work, and a man is here patching the ceiling in the bathroom from water damage. i have been put in charge of babysitting the flat until the man is finished.

i'm glad i have an excuse to sink into this shitty couch in the sweater i slept in and these stupid house slippers and watch these shows. things like john stewart. mr. colbert. the real world. and america's best dance crew. dumb television is wonderful when youre feeling like this. thank you, internet.

in more semi-embarrassing news, while i was watching america's best dance crew season finale, a girl from "beat freaks" crew was speaking on following your dreams and all of that shit people say. but i guess this time something kind of struck me about it. i felt guilty. was i doing that? what am i doing? is this part of my 'dream'? i think so. i mean, shit, i hope so.

she kept saying "freak your dream". i hope i am. i think i am. i mean, i know that i am by no means 'freaking' my dream as well as i probably could. i am unsure of where i want/need to begin. its like, pick a lilly pad to jump to next. and im an indecisive fuck. so part of this whole whatever it is im doing i guess could be seen as me taking some time to figure out where to jump. or could be just me buying some time.

but regardless of everything. i gotta jump. i won't allow myself not to.

and just to clarify, i know that where ever im jumping, im in the music lilly pond. so, it's at least not as all over da' mess as it used to be.

on another note, im really proud of the fact that im going next week. it would be really easy to just hang around here. and i dont want to make habits here. i want to make the anti-habits. and i wanna get out of my current ones. (with some few exceptions.)

like my vegetarianism. or pescetarianism. or vegaquairanism. or whatever you want to call it. and my style of excecuting it. and i know bread and meat is culture here. but i'm trying super hard to be both a tealasauraus. and a whatever-the-folk-think-is-polite-laday. but fuck! no, marco. i do not eat sausage.

"teal i know you don't eat this, but i bought it and it is special..."

and i felt so bad. so i had a slice. and i guess i'm becoming what spencer refers to as a 'non-practicing vegetarian'. but still. even on that level. i want to remain healthy. and not this bread and potatoes bullshit im getting shammed and shamed into.

i dont know where i was going with that. i'm quite hormonal this week.

at any rate, it's hard to be inspired to make music with out a band. and its hard to be a healthy fish eating vegetarian when im po' and breads and meats are always offered by friends, and if not, at least at a low price.

haha. wheeeee.

i'm going to france and ireland, if you have any suggestions, lemme know. or anywhere, really. esp. if you know a cozy, cheap place to stay.

-t